Okay hold up. Because I know some of y’all read that headline and your head immediately caught fire with the flames of indignation. Before you head to the comment section to tell me off about what a miracle parenting is, take a few deep breaths, I know that. This is comedy.
Having said that, it’s surprising how many parallels there are between parenting and being a Silence of the Lambs level psycho. The key difference is, of course that your obsession with your kid is keeping them alive and loving them, not chaining them in a basement with a bucket of lotion. Nonetheless, here are the creepy/hilarious parallels between parenting and being a psychopath.
You save physical mementos from your kids.
When cops investigate serial killers and find disgusting trophies that consist of body parts it’s undeniably horrifying. Now, here’s my secret drawer filled with my daughter’s baby teeth and locks of her hair.
You watch them sleep.
If you spot someone watching you sleep through your bedroom window, you should call the police. The same rules don’t apply though when sharing pictures on Facebook of your kiddos passed out drooling on their teddybear.
You know what your kids are doing at every hour of the day.
If I show up randomly at my daughter’s school bearing Chick-fil-a just in time for lunch it’s called being a good mom, but if I memorize your schedule and show up uninvited to your office just in time for the potluck I somehow knew about it’s called “stalking” and I should “stay at least 50 yards away at all times”.
You’re totally obsessed with them.
I’m betting you’ve got a veritable shrine to your kid on your fridge consisting of pictures of them and paintings they made and every award they’ve come home with no matter how dubious. That’s totally different from the literal shrine psychos make for people wholly unrelated to them.
You kinda want to take a bite out of them.
I’m not saying you’re Hannibal Lector, but I bet you’ve squealed “I just wanna eat you up!” at a smiley, chunky baby before. Yeah. Go sit in the corner, you weirdo.
They make you feel insane sometimes.
No matter how much you love those little rascals, they have almost certainly made you feel like you’re going to absolutely lose your mind at some point in their adorable lives. Don’t lie, it happens to the best of us.